Today...a blessing in disguise

I was blessed today.  Truly blessed and caught off guard to be quite honest.  I knew going into the service this morning at church that today was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday and that it would be special.  I wasn't quite prepared however, for the emotions that it stirred in me. 

It was late February of 2006.  Kevin, Marley Grace, and I were moving into a new home, the home we're in now.  I was pregnant with our second child and we had already told friends and family.  We were excited and everything was going well.  Moving day was March 1st if my memory serves me correctly, and it was also a day I'll never forget.  I knew the night before that "something wasn't right."  I was feeling a little weird and having some symptoms that were very uncertain and unknown to me.  I put in a call to my doctor and felt comforted to know that it was probably no big deal and that things were fine since I was about 11 weeks along already.  To be honest Kevin and I didn't really worry or think that much of it at the time.  As I went through out the day though, my symptoms persisted and got worse.  I decided it was time to go to the doctor just to "make sure" all was ok.  I assured my family all would be fine, hopped in my car and headed to the doctor's office.  I didn't even let Kevin go with me since we were moving and the LAST thing on my mind was that I was having a miscarriage. 

When I arrived the nurse took me back and did a sonogram.  I remember not even really knowing what to look for but to "listen" for the baby's heartbeat.  As I lay there the nurse casually talked with me as she worked to find the heart beat.  She never found it.  It was then that I realized what was happening. I was having a miscarriage.  I was escorted to a room where I waited for my doctor.  Before he got there his nurse came in and hugged me with the news.  I broke down in tears not even really able to process what was going on.  She called Kevin for me and he came immediately.  It was truly one of those moments that I will never forget as long as I live. 

How was I going to face all of my family and friends?  I had already told them I was expecting again.  It was all a blur to me.  I wasn't even sure what would happen next.  To no avail I chose to have a D&C 2 days later on March 3rd.  This was the best option for me and it helped me to physically begin to recover.  Luckily I had Kevin's family in town along with my own mom and dad here to help out.   The Lord took care of it all that week and we processed our loss and began to focus on our new home.  I pretty much buried my feelings away and chose not to talk about it or make a big deal out of it.  Sure there were days that were hard but in all honesty I really didn't let my mind go there.  It wasn't until later on that it became more real to me that I didn't just have a miscarriage, but that I had lost a child.

Today I was able to revisit a part of my past that I have had locked away.  I was able to recognize that the baby growing inside of me had a purpose from the moment of conception.  God's purpose though was not to be revealed here on earth.  An overwhelming peace came over me today as I walked to the altar, took that white carnation and placed it down.  It symbolized the child that I never had but at the same time, is still mine.  I believe that I'm a mom of not just 3 children, but 4,  and that  someday I'll meet that second child and know why God chose to take him or her with Him. 

I write this story tonight because I never knew how many women have miscarriages.  Statistics that I've seen say that "20% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage."  In fact it wasn't until I miscarried  that I realized how many people that I actually know have had the same experience.  It was very obvious today at church as I watched ladies walk down front, that this is a silent subject.  I think we choose to block it out and suppress our feelings about our loss.  I know that's what I did for a long time.  When I finally let go and realized that I wasn't alone nor was I dumb for feeling like I'd lost a part of me, that  I began to experience peace.  I am praying right now for friends of mine that are going through this situation to have peace and to be able to grieve and work through their pain. 

I really had no idea that I'd be sitting here sharing this very personal story with you tonight but after our church service today, revisiting this time in my life has been rejuvenating and like breathing a big sigh of relief.  God works in mysterious ways and uses tough situations in our lives to reveal His ultimate plan.  Looking back at the big picture I wouldn't change a thing. 

"Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother's womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. " Ecclesiastes 11:5